jury duty 101

1. dont jinx yourself by bringing a bag full of interesting books and magazines you have been waiting months to read. didnt everyone tell you that they sat for 8 hours straight with nothing to do but read (and you hid your smile as you thought about those 8 hours of uninterrupted quality reading time?) jinx!

2. when they call your name, dont answer (they say they will call your name three times, for three different cases before they actually hunt you down) when they find you, tell them you are having waves of nausea sending you to the bathroom every ten minutes. sorry you didnt hear your name called. 

3. if for some unfortunate reason you get called that 4th time and you get assigned a case, act utterly crazy when you are put in the jury box to be questioned by the attorneys. say "yes i own a gun, yes i am a member of the nra, my occupation is jailhouse cook, all my friends are cops, my dads a lawyer, my moms a judge, my brother is a priest on probation, my sister is a rapist and i hate everyone" 

4. if that doesnt work, when the judge asks you if you would take the word of a police officer on the witness stand over a gang banger, for gods sake say YES!!! 

5. if you are still in the jury box and the judge asks you if you can think of any reason why you cant serve, say "well, i am self employed and i will lose most if not all of the clients i have spent 15 years getting and trying to keep happy" oh and add that you have 4 children... you can throw in your friends kids too if you like, whatever it takes... i can tell you from experience this one doesnt work, but give it a try. 

6. so they still wont let you off? try answering any and all questions with a question (i swear some guy did this in our group) if the judge says, "can you be fair?" say, "what exactly do you mean by fair?" or "can i think about it?" this will annoy the judge and send you home (score!) 

7. still there? ok, try telling the judge you have chronic back pain, a tooth ache, hemorrhoids, brain tumor, any mental disorder will do (i met at least a dozen certified "nuts" in my jury box) 

8. didnt work? ok, make sure whatever the trial is about, you have something amazingly in common. so the case is about a milk truck driver who drunkenly crashed into an old lady at the bus stop? holy crap! the SAME thing happened to your grandma! be sure and cry, the judge will say, "i can tell from your emotional tone that your grandma was a really wonderful person" and let you off. in my jury box? i met about 20 people who have either been shot at in a drive by shooting or someone they know has been killed in one, where do these people live? but you know what? they all went home that day. 

9. so you're on the case now? no fear! keep trying! you can always try interrupting the lawyers and ask the witness the questions you REALLY want to hear the answer to... the judge will love that. 

10. if you make it all the way to deliberation, be sure and tell the rest of the jurors you will go either way as long as you can get out of there (i SERIOUSLY said this at one point) but i cant guarantee that one will work. it might upset the super patriotic folk in your group.(did i mention our defendant pleaded guilty to 3 out of the 4 charges? ahem... we only had to decide on one bloody charge out of 4, did i mention that?) 

my last bit of advice: after 7 days of jury duty and 3 days of heated deliberation resulting in a hung jury, dont yell out that you cant believe you spent all this time there for nothing. (oops!)




my new favorite movie, happy 4th of july!!!

p.s. i was going to call this post "jury doody 101" but that isnt very nice now is it?

:)